Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
