I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
