he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
