Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
