I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
