Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
