Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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