Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
