never play flip cup with pint glasses
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
