Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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