All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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