I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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