Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
