The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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