They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
