Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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