I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
