Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I need moral support for this bender
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
