I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
