I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
