pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sext me about skeletons
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
