I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
