When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
