I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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