the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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