There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
