Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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