i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
