I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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