I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
