He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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