Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
