dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
A+ Viking dick
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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