apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
