he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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