Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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