things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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