you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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