At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
