Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
