I just pynch a tree in the face
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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