Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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