I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
