I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
3pm strippers are depressing
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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