who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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