sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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