I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
