he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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