I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
