so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
