i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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