sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Your tits are I can't wait for
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
