I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
