Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Non-Jews are for practice
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
