It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
