You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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