I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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